By Jane Heller –
Who Knew Friends Could Be So Unfriendly?
“Michael, you got so fat!”
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I nearly did a spit take of my wine when a man my husband Michael and I hadn’t seen in a few months blurted out that little gem at a cocktail party.
Michael, who has Crohn’s, an autoimmune disease of the GI tract, was about to go into the hospital for yet another surgery (he’s had at least thirty since he was diagnosed). He was on a high dose of prednisone and his face and neck were bloated, but he had pulled himself together so I wouldn’t have to go to the party alone.
“It’s the steroids,” he told the man, much more good-naturedly than I would have. “I’m having surgery in a couple of days.”
“Hey, good luck with that,” the guy said as if Michael had just told him he was about to go parasailing. “Listen, I gotta tell you about the camera I just bought for my trip to Kenya…” Blah blah blah.
This was someone we had once considered a friend, albeit a casual one?
Still, I reminded myself that illness is a tricky business. A lot of people are uncomfortable talking about it, being around it, worrying they might catch it, feeling pressure to say just the right thing.
And yet, why do friends have to disappear just when we caregivers need them the most?
About a week after the party incident, I got an email from a friend.
“It’s been awhile. I miss you,” she wrote. “What’s new?”
“I miss you too,” I wrote back. “Michael just had surgery. It’s been a rough patch.”
Not a word from her. Just silence.
I interviewed several caregivers on the subject of friendship, and their stories are full of head-scratching behavior.
Toni Sherman was dealing with a sick daughter and a dying mother and had to skip her book group for six months. During that entire period, not one woman contacted her to ask how she was or what they could do to help.
Karen Prince, whose husband suffered a massive and debilitating stroke, reported that his best friend of many years never spoke to him again.
And Yudi Bennett told me that after her son was diagnosed with autism, her friends with typical kids completely abandoned her.
Psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina thinks we caregivers shouldn’t be so hard on those who flee or behave thoughtlessly.
“Human beings are human beings,” she says. “We all have our frailties and failures. Sometimes people just don’t know how to deal with illness so they go away.”
Suzanne Mintz, cofounder of the National Family Caregivers Association, offers: “I often think the reason many friends stay away is because they’re afraid this could be their life. You find out who your true friends are.”
True friends are like gold, especially when there’s an illness or disability in the family. Michael and I have been lucky to have a core of close friends who not only express concern but act on it. They know when to call, when not to call, when to visit, when to back off. They’re the ones I can count on, and I hope they know they can count on me too. I treasure them and let the others go. We don’t need to dwell on those who’ve disappeared. Goodbye and good luck to them.
Jane Heller is the bestselling author of 13 novels of romantic comedy, 9 optioned for movies and television. She lives in Santa Barbara, CA with her husband, Michael Forester, where she’s at work on her next novel. Visit her at www.janeheller.com.
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1 thought on “You’d Better Not Die or I’ll Kill You – Excerpt”
May I, respectfully, suggest…you’ve got acquaintances and friends confused. One may have “friendly acquaintances” but they aren’t friends, and not folks you can call on at 3:00 a.m. or when the road gets rocky. I’ve learned many things since Dave, my husband, suddenly died (11/5/11) but one of the most important is…people who are weak will drain you of life and won’t be there when you’re in need. None of us can be all things to all people so, after a period of time, I weed out the weak ones. I don’t mind helping people but it’s not my life’s career to, constantly, carry the burdens of others. And, no, absolutely not, do I in any way feel guilty about leaving them behind. As a matter of fact, my burden is a lot lighter when I’m not carrying dead weight.