Solve the Riddle of Conflict

By June Hunt –

Can you solve the problem? What does everyone have . . . but no one wants? What can you not get away from . . . no matter how far you run?

Answer: Conflict. Everyone has it. . . . no one wants it. . . . no one can escape it! Mix two or more people together and you’ll find a plethora of differing priorities, perceptions, and preferences. . . . a concoction ripe for conversation, but also for conflict.

Rather than hands shaking in agreement, the result can be fingers pointing in accusation. Welcoming words can be replaced by caustic words. At times, who hasn’t wanted to throw their hands up in the air and exclaim, “Why can’t we all just get along!”

Instead of staying exasperated, you can start solving the riddle of conflict in your relationships. First, begin answering these six questions to evaluate your situation. To help you remember them, five start with a “W” and one with an “H.” . . .

#1 Who? Who is involved in the conflict?

—Name those presently involved in the conflict.

—List those who could be involved to bring about a resolution.

#2 What? What is your goal?

—Put into writing what you want to accomplish.

—Be clear. Is this a onetime goal or a long-term goal?

#3 Why? Why do you want to do it?

—List the reasons for taking action.

—List what will happen if you do not take action.

#4 Where? Where will it happen?

—Assess a place where you think the conflict could possibly be resolved.

—Evaluate whether there is another suitable location where resolution could occur.

#5 When? When do you want it finished?

—Establish a timeline from beginning to end.

—List short-term, measurable goals.

#6 How? How do you want it to be done?

—List the policies and procedures that need to be put in place.

—List the guidelines needed to accomplish the goal.

“The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out.”
(Proverbs 18:15 NIV)

“You are the epitome of everything I don’t want to be.” One of my sisters said these exact words to me. We had been engaged in a long series of conflicts over my mother—I felt very protective of her. Our differences had progressed past the point of a peaceful resolution.

I was convinced our relationship could never be healed unless my “opposer” experienced a dramatic change of heart. Then one day I saw a Scripture that hit me on the head with a 2” x 4”!

“As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you” (1 Samuel 12:23 NIV).

Immediately it dawned on me: I hadn’t been praying for her at all! I was only focusing on the pain she was causing our family. Instead, as I consistently prayed for her, my heart grew increasingly sensitive toward her. Ultimately, I began to focus not on her fault, but on her need. (Her greatest need was for a life-changing relationship with the Lord.) Finally I realized that in order to restore our relationship I was the one who needed to change. What a shock!

Once I genuinely focused on her need, not her fault, my entire outlook was transformed. Instead of dreading the possibility of conflict, I now embraced any chance to do anything that would be meaningful to her. In my heart, she honestly moved from foe to friend.

You, too, can be amazed . . . and watch God turn your enemies into FRIENDS. . . .

F—Find ways to compliment your opposer.

—Look for and express positive character traits that your opposer possesses.

—Don’t focus on complimentary externals, such as clothes, hair or good looks.

—Express a sincere compliment at an appropriate time. “I’ve noticed (how effectively you spoke . . . worked . . . sang), and I really admire that.”

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt …” (Colossians 4:6 NIV).

R—Repay your opposer’s evil with good.

—Look for and extend acts of kindness.

—Commit to God that you will not act negatively, like your opposer.

—Do not talk about your opposer in a demeaning way to others.

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone” (Romans 12:17 NIV).

I—Intercede in prayer for your opposer.

—Ask God to reveal your opposer’s true, unmet needs.

—Seek the Lord’s perspective on the differences between you and your opposer.

—Commit to praying for your opposer every time the person comes to mind.

“As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right” (1 Samuel 12:23 NIV).

E—Empathize with your opposer.

—Learn about the past hurts and hardships that your opposer has experienced.

—Get in touch with your feelings as you think about your own hurts and hardships.

—Allow yourself to feel compassion as you seek to identify with your opposer.

“Be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3:8 NIV).

N—Nurture a forgiving heart toward your opposer.

—Realize, you, too, have wounded others.

—Remember, you, too, stand in need of forgiveness.

—Pray for God to give you a willingness to forgive just as He was willing to forgive you.

“When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25 NIV).

D—Decide to “love” your opposer.

—See yourself as a conduit of God’s love. (The Greek word agape is not an emotion, but rather a love that seeks the highest good of another person.)

—Look for tangible ways to express agape love on a continual basis.

—Keep focusing on “What is in the best interest of my opposer” . . . and then do it.

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44 NIV).

S—Seek to meet the needs of your opposer.

—Reach out by looking for what is especially meaningful to your opposer (such as meeting a need of one of your opposer’s loved ones).

—Reach out by inviting your opposer to attend an event with you that they would consider meaningful.

—Reach out by finding a way to serve your opposer by offering unexpected acts of kindness.

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head” (Romans 12:20 NIV).

Today I can gratefully declare that the difficult relationship I described is now a source of joy rather than conflict. We still have differences of opinion and personality, but we also possess a mutual respect and love that helps us manage our differences.

If you feel trapped in a riddle of unsolvable conflict, I encourage you to take these steps to repair your relationship. You may just find yourself astonished . . . watching your foe turn into a friend.

Adapted from June Hunt, How to Deal with Difficult Relationships: Bridging the Gaps That Separate People, Counseling through the Bible series (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 2012).

 

Hope For The Heart Founder, CEO and CSO June Hunt is one of the world’s leading biblical counselors. An author, singer and speaker, she founded Hope For The Heart in 1986. Her life’s work has yielded landmark contributions in the field of Christian counseling. The ministry offers biblical hope and practical help—through biblical counsel, coaching, and context for contemporary concerns—in more than 60 countries on 6 continents. Early family pain was the catalyst that shaped June’s compassionate heart. Later, as a youth director, she became aware of the need for sound biblical counsel. This led June to a lifelong commitment to providing God’s Truth for Today’s Problems.