From Faking It to Finding Grace: Discovering God Again When Your Faith Runs Dry

Excerpt by Connie Cavanaugh –

As I drove away from the church, it hit me once again how I had come full circle — from darkness to numbness with an exciting interlude in between. I felt hopeless and alone. If only I could just walk away from religion and quietly lead a hermit’s life of tending my flowers and decorating my home I would be so much happier, I thought for the millionth time. But I knew that was impossible. I was a Sunday School teacher. I played keyboard in the worship band. Church was a huge part of my life. Not only that, I was married to the church: my husband, once a pastor, was still in fulltime ministry. I knew that in order for him to live out his call, I must be a supportive wife. If I didn’t share his living faith, I needed to pretend, I thought.

Feeling trapped

Being married to a minister isn’t like being married to a scientist. Scientist’s wives don’t have to understand the theory of relativity in order to be considered a “good wife.” A carpenter’s wife can show absolutely no interest in building. She can be abysmally ignorant about deciphering blueprints and the cost of plywood and no one thinks any less of her or wants to cancel her husband’s building contract. A rancher’s wife is free to say that she prefers chicken to beef, or even that she is vegetarian, and her husband’s business would be unhindered. But if a minister’s wife says she has no desire for God, this can be a direct hit on his ministry. Oh, how I longed for the freedom of being a layman’s wife!

I kept coming back to the same thing: the only choice I had was no choice at all. Telling the truth was not possible. Because if I told the truth — that I had once been a fervent believer but had somehow lost my faith and didn’t know where to find it — my husband’s ministry would be over. If not over, then seriously hindered. The only way I could stop living a lie was to leave him and dissolve the marriage. That would kill his ministry even quicker! I loved my husband. I loved my family. Divorce was never an option. So I had to keep faking it, I thought. For my husband’s sake. Once again, I felt hopeless and alone.

I had been a Christian long enough to know that spiritual dryness is a taboo subject in the church. Nobody ever talks about it, except in the third person. It seems like we all know someone who is going through a season of dryness or doubt, but it’s never us. No one ever admits to being there now. If people do admit to a season of dryness, it is almost always in the past and, happily, they’re now cured. Close to God again. Whew!

The road more traveled

I had never read the writings of Augustine, Martin Luther, Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Thomas a Kempis, Thomas Aquinas, or more recently, Mother Theresa. Distracted by the demands of raising my family, I left that sort of reading to my pastor/husband. Had I interrupted my busy-ness to do some study, I would have been surprised to discover that spiritual wilderness — a place of dry faith characterized by the inability to connect with a seemingly silent God — was not as rare as I had thought. It certainly was not unique to me. Rather, among the great writers, thinkers, and reformers of Christian history, it was, and is, the road more traveled. And it was not something to be dismissed as a detour in an otherwise well-spent life of faith. The wilderness experience provides the Christian the chance to shed his unworkable childish faith and the opportunity to forge a faith he can live with, a mature faith, a faith that works in the real world.

 Connie writes blogs, articles and columns in many Christian publications, both print and online. Her popular family life humor column, “Slice of Life” ran in Homelife magazine for five years.  Connie and Gerry, married more than 35 years, like each other better than ever! They enjoy traveling, hiking, skiing, gardening and being armchair athletes – Go Riders! They spend as much time as possible with their grown kids and grandkids

You can find Connie at her website and blog: “Hope for the Rest of Us”