Being Present and Enjoying the Time You Have

By Alexis Apel –

According to Donna Lee, being present in the moment and enjoying the time you have is learned through age. She is 82 and has lived an extraordinary life. On each finger she wears a ring- butterflies, dolphins and jewels of many colors. They’ve been there as long as I can remember. Honestly I don’t think we could get them off if we tried. 

Donna Lee Cunningham is barely five feet tall but she is round, as a grandmother should be. She likes to remind me that even though she’s little, she is tough when she holds up her arms and flexes her biceps. Her heart is warm and kind, and when she smiles my mood is instantly better. 

For the past five years I have spent three days a week with Donna. Our relationship is not defined by the fact that I am her paid caregiver, and over the years I have come to see her as my own grandmother, someone I love unconditionally. She is the most caring human being I have ever met, and she is full of wisdom despite the circumstances.

Eighteen years ago Donna and her husband Tom were in a horrific car accident while visiting their son in California. A semi truck slid into their convertible, dragging it 15 feet backwards. Photos from the wreck make it hard to believe they survived. 

Since that day Donna has needed 24-hour care due to a closed head injury. There are seven women, including me, who come in day after day to dress, bathe, distribute pills and entertain Donna. Each day brings a new challenge, but also new wisdom from someone I feel blessed to know. 

Tom was also injured in the accident, suffering brain damage to the frontal lobe. He was a teacher before retiring, so he is smart, but because of the damage also loves a strict schedule. He doesn’t need the amount of care Donna does, but I look out for him too.

Tom told me he feels lucky to have found someone to spend the best years of his life with.  

Jokingly he said, “I’ve been trying to convince her for the last 62 years that she got a good deal.”

During our time together, Donna has given me life advice that I treasure. She accepts me completely for who I am regardless of my relationships, passions or career goals. I can tell her anything, knowing she will hug and kiss me if I need it. 

When I cry, she cries with me. If I laugh I know she will be next to me laughing in an infectious way.

On a recent day we sat in the office, listening to her grandson play the piano. Donna was calm. The music always seems to soothe her. Sometimes she pats her hands on her lap, or she holds mine. I know she used to play, and she likes to remind me of it. I read her the first draft of this article to see her reaction.

“It’s me,” Donna said, “I’m going to cry.” 

Now I’m going to cry too, my heart feeling very full. Even as I typed these words I could feel the tears starting to come.

She taught me to crochet a few years ago, and it’s something we do together. She forgets she taught me but I pretend to be excited at the prospect of learning something new. I would say anything to see her smile and laugh. As we sit on the couch in the evenings making mystery shapes that never seem to serve a purpose I ask her for life advice. Sometimes I ask about relationships, but most of the time I ask her about herself and what she learned from being a sister, wife, mother, grandmother and artist. 

 I asked her what she wishes she had done differently in life.

“I would have been more open. You put me in a room, and I can solve the puzzle of what’s going on, but confronting someone, that’s tough,” Donna said, holding my hand. 

I think we can all learn from this. The desire to make connections and feel understood is something most humans can relate to.

When conflicts arise Donna knows how to handle things. She doesn’t waste time arguing. 

“It’s easier on my head to go with the flow,” she said. 

Donna is an incredibly creative person. The apartment she lives in is covered in paintings and collages, all Donna Lee originals. 

“I like to work with my hands,” Donna said. “I can manipulate things, and my fingers do what my heart says.” 

Donna can draw, paint, crochet, play piano, type and sew. She’s especially proud of her sewing abilities.

“I made my wedding dress, you know,” Donna says as she points at a beautiful old black and white photo of her and Tom on their wedding day. At the ages of 19 and 21, they both look like children. Today they are still in love, holding hands when they sit in the living room and watch “Jeopardy”. 

I asked Tom his favorite thing about her.

“In all the years we’ve been together, I’ve never been worried. I have complete trust and belief in her. I’ve never doubted she cared about me,” Tom said. 

Donna responded by saying Tom had a rough life.

“Not since I met you,” Tom said. 

A few nights ago a group of children came dressed in Halloween costumes to hand out candy to the seniors at the apartment building she lives in with Tom. Donna and I sat in the community room, holding the little brown-handled bag a boy dressed as a Ghostbuster handed us. 

The children filed through and one by one and placed a small piece of candy in Donna’s bag. I was nervous it would be too much. I thought it might be an overwhelming event that caused anxiety.

I could not have been more wrong. Donna laughed and smiled, talking and thanking each child with great pleasure and happiness. 

There was an unexplainable connection between Donna and the miniature cops, ninjas, princesses and one tiny sheep. They could tell I didn’t understand them, like I have a banner on my forehead flashing, “she doesn’t get kids,” but with Donna it is different.  

They feel the genuine affection and tenderness coming from her. They aren’t nervous or unsure.

Donna holds this power, to make you feel safe when you’re next to her. Even if you are in a bad mood you want a hug from her.

I know it is hard on her family to see the change from the Donna they remember to the person she is now, but this Donna is someone I love and feel honored to learn from.

Disability or not, Donna Lee has more love to give than anyone I’ve ever met.

Photo: Donna Lee and Thomas Cunningham on their wedding day