Do you want to create a better understanding and reduce tension? If these are a few of the questions that frequently enter your mind, then read on for some answers.
Mothers Are Always Mothers
I’d like to attempt to answer the question about why there is tension within the relationship. Mothers are always mothers, even when they become grandmothers. When our son marries, we often feel relegated to the back seat, second place and total background of his life. The sad truth is that this is the way life unfolds and it is a natural, necessary process. We cannot change this and must accept it.
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The good part is our son will always have a place in his heart for us and he will always love us. If we accept his love, no matter how it filters our way, then we are not going to be as bothered with the changes.
Change is a Huge Issue
At a time when our children are getting married, we are going through menopause. We are experiencing the empty nest syndrome, and the reality of retirement. We deal with illnesses we have acquired along our life’s path. The frosting on the cake may be our feelings of loss.
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Transformation is difficult. However, life is not over and when we get through the thickets we see relief and a new existence unfolds. Like the butterfly, we must peel off the cocoon to make life alterations. We fear this because even new changes are difficult to cope with. We are comfortable within our current existence and don’t want to move forward, although we realize changes happen throughout our lives and are at the core of our existence.
I remember being at one son’s apartment helping him hang up curtains one week and within a short time, I was told to call before coming over. It is a part of life’s alterations even if I or others don’t like it.
Start the Relationship with Your Daughter-in-Law Early
Trouble begins at the start of a son’s relationship if a mother does not recognize the potential girlfriend as a possible future wife and daughter-in-law. Even if you have gotten off on a bad start to the relationship, it is still possible to rekindle it and evolve the bond into a happy relationship.
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As difficult as letting go can be, a problematic relationship with your daughter-in-law is painful and full of stress and anxiety. I choose peace.
Respect the Boundaries
Mothers-in-law have a new playing field. They need to refrain from disregarding boundaries, respect rules — even if they don’t agree with them and think they are ridiculous. Your son loves this person. She is now his family. Stepping back a bit and recognizing the importance of his union and the onward cycle of life is crucial.
Mothers give their children strong roots of stability and growth. No one should cut those roots nor break them down. Daughters-in-law give their husbands wings to fly to new places and experience new beginnings and life. We do not clip the wings. How fortunate is the man-in-the-middle who is able to keep and nurture both wings and roots.
Start the Relationship Early With These Considerations
- Mothers remain mothers.
- Change is difficult. Many people sabotage the relationship.
- Boundaries must be established and respected by and for both women.
- Both women have wants and needs.
Pam Reynolds been studying this relationship for over 20 years and has found some things to be true. Her surveys and investigations span two generations. She began her books as a daughter-in-law and finished them as a mother-in-law. It allowed her to discover both points of view, not only through my mind but through my heart.
Pam Reynolds is an author and speaker on children issues and relationships.
She has written books about: The effect parents have on their children and their education. A stray cat that changed our family and taught us many lessons about life and the meaning of family.
Pam earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Early Childhood Education and a Master of Science
degree in Education from the Eastern Connecticut State University. She was a teacher and is certified in special education and regular classroom instruction for grades K to three.
In addition, she was a Certified Emergency Medical Technician and past member of the Board of
Directors on her local Fire Department.
She posts frequently on her blog (blog.pamreynolds.me) Her website is www.pamreynolds.me
Pam’s new book The Princess and the Queen is available at Amazon.com The link is here.
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1 thought on “Tips To Improve Your Relationship With Your Daughter-in-Law”
I wasn’t given time to establish any relationship with my daughter in law. They (my son and his wife) met in September 2024 and married in December 2024. We (my husband and myself) first met her in October. There is 400 miles between us. At that time, our son informed us of his plans to ask her to marry him and they would add in 2025. We were told a few weeks later that the wedding would be in December. They did visit for a couple of days in November. My husband and I managed to make it to the wedding. His health is not very good. That was the last time we saw our son. I have spoken to him and tried to explain that I feel like he has brought a stranger into our lives with expectations of us loving her as a daughter. He has respectfully told me that he loves her and they are happy. Even before they were married, she mentioned that she would like to buy a bigger house in the future…one with an in law suite. The last time I spoke with our son was in July and he said he was selling his house and looking for a larger one to accommodate her parents. The last text I got from our daughter in law was in August stating that she will continue to pray for me to get over this so we can have a relationship in the future. She ended the text saying that would make our son very happy. Personally, I am heart broken and all this leaves me with a sense of grief that can only compare with the death of a loved one.