He Said, She Said, I Said- Excerpt
By Barbara J. Peters on May 18, 2012
By Barbara J. Peters –
He Said: When she uses that tone of voice with me or puts her hand on her hip, I don’t feel like her husband; I feel like her child, and I just close down.
I Said: With this couple, it became evident it wasn’t just what the woman was saying that pushed her husband away from her, but rather how she said it—with both her words and body language. Her delivery did not create a positive environment for continued dialogues, and her tone of voice and stance did not encourage her spouse to respond in a good way. If she had a way of knowing how her body language made her husband feel, she would then have a chance to change her posture and delivery, which could positively impact their interactions. It is possible to do just that.
Taking the time and effort to learn your partner’s needs and perceptions can go a long way in discovering how to productively and respectfully talk with each other. The keys for understanding what your partner might be thinking or feeling is to make sure you stay in the present, deal exclusively with the concern at hand, listen to words spoken, and watch physical responses. Don’t let your mind think about what happened in the past or the last time you had a similar conversation. And don’t make assumptions.
Ask questions about how he or she is feeling, right then, in the moment, with that experience . . . and then really listen, watch, and care about what you are hearing and seeing. A person’s facial expressions and body postures can often speak louder than words. Additionally, make sure you pay close attention to your own body language and your tone of voice, as well as the words you use. Remember, communication is so much more than words, and if the way you deliver your words or present yourself isn’t in alignment with what you are saying, your partner will hear the loudest statement. For instance, if you are saying loving words in a harsh tone of voice with body language indicating irritation, your significant other will “hear” the irritation much more than the actual words themselves. The next time you and your partner are spending time talking with each other, take a moment to look at the way you stand. Then consider what your posture, hand movements, or arm position could be saying to him or her. Is your posture in alignment with the message you want to send? Or is it contradictory? If you are the one who is feeling belittled by your partner’s body language or tone of voice, your feelings should be addressed, preferably at a time when you are comfortably and genuinely sharing with each other.
Sometimes body stance becomes a habit more than a reflection of what a person is feeling. Give your loved one an opportunity to make some changes in the way he or she speaks to you instead of just closing down. In a relationship, each is responsible for how he or she responds, both as the one doing the talking and the one doing the listening.
The clarity with which she addresses the different perspectives and misconceptions that couples encounter hits the relationship target dead center.” -Larry James, author
If you want more information on Barbara J. Peters or if you would like to purchase one of her books, visit her website at: http://www.barbarajpeters.com
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