Preface from Tumbleweed Kids

“The most important question in the world is, why is the child crying?” Alice Walker

I have worked with children my entire life up to this point in time. I was a children’s librarian, worked at a day care facility, pre-schools, private school system, and many years at public school systems. I have a dual certification in special education and elementary education. I have taught special education students, kindergarten students, and first grade students.

I have been a witness to the upsets and stresses placed on our children. When so many children are hurting, it is time to ask ourselves why. Speaking for the children is important to me. Family life appears to me, to be deteriorating. This has created a domino effect. Schools are worsening, as well as society. To fix society we must fix the schools. To fix the schools we must fix the child’s home environment.

Many educational books have been written. Many parenting books have been written. All of these books that give excellent advice have been ignored, because things are worse, not better. Words have not reached or penetrated anyone because the problems keep increasing. It is time to look at this dilemma with new eyes.

We can’t fix it with the old way of thinking. Our challenge as parents is to look at the facts. The facts do not lie. Fearlessly we need to move ahead and review the evidence, before making any conclusions, and before stating what we perceive to be the truth about parents, teachers, school officials, and our own children. New revelations within the pages of this book, may encourage us to reconsider what we thought was the truth about education. We need to mull over the fact that re-teaching teachers may not be the answer. Pumping more money into schools or salaries may not remedy the situation.

I’d like to attempt presenting the children’s’ side of the story, the untold part to the story.  Witnessing what is missing in our homes might promote an aggressive attempt at a new approach. Success comes from the love and nurturing at home. Teachers can’t teach without parental support. Society can’t reteach or rehabilitate broken children easily, or possibly ever, without parental involvement. Against all odds, some children grow up in poor circumstances but rise to become superstars. The difference in their home environments was love, encouragement, and support from their parents, or another caring adult. The power of love has been greatly underestimated.

Although we all love our children, demonstrating this with hard work is paramount. This means placing our children’s needs first, constant watchfulness, and guiding them with integrity and righteousness. Accomplishing all this will practically guarantee a successful outcome. Peoples’ hearts will break when they read the stories within the pages of this book, but their minds will be open to an alternative way of thinking and solving our academic problems.

Through this book, I hope to reach parents, administrators, and authorities on an emotional level, by sharing my own experiences, and those of others. Stopping the unconscious mistreatment of children is my goal. By stopping some harmful choices we make, children improve emotionally and academically. It certainly is worth the determination for all of us to make an effort.

Introduction from Tumbleweed Kids

This is not your usual instructive parenting book. It is not the usual, instructive, new-ideas-on-education book. Instead it is stories about how we the parents have an effect on a child’s well-being. How we treat our children is related to every aspect of their lives. This consequence is far reaching and may result in poor academic performance. The stories in the book are what grasp the reader and expectantly inspire remorse.

The book is not selling the rules of parenting. Instead, it dares one to observe the pain through the eyes of a child. We are on a quest to question our own style of parenting. All of us make mistakes, but not all of us admit it to ourselves. All of us can improve, but not all of us will attempt to correct what is wrong. Telling someone to improve, or encouraging someone to make progress does not usually work if that person cannot believe or see they are deficient. This book hopes to demonstrate, through a child’s eyes, the pain we are inflicting on our children. It’s up to each individual to take the challenge and reach for the goal. We will never have a more difficult trial or a more rewarding achievement if we aspire to achieve our target.

We can become the parent we wish we had. A baby step here and there is all that is required, along with an understanding of what is really at stake. Dare to be better than you ever thought you could be, attempt to do more than you ever thought was possible, risk more than you ever thought you should, and in the end you will rejoice more at the results of your efforts.

We should pick up the ball, and stop passing it to others, and then call a fumble. With a bird’s eye view at school, likely reflective questioning regarding positive, active parenting emerges. If you are a parent, take the time to witness just what you might be missing. Read “Tumbleweeds” with unguarded reflection. The stories are based on real events, and stir true emotions.

Chapter 7: Freedom from Tumbleweed Kids

“Parents teach in the toughest school in the world: The school for making people. You are the board of education, the principal, the classroom teacher and the janitor, all rolled into two…. There are few schools to train you for your job, and there is no general agreement on the curriculum….You are on duty, or at least on call, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for at least 18 years for each child you have. Besides that, you have to contend with an administration that has two leaders or bosses, whichever the case may be. Two big questions present themselves to every parent in one form, or another: ‘What kind of human being do I want my child to become?’ and ’How can I go about making that happen?’” Virginia Satir

Today it appears children gain independence at an earlier age. This allows parents to bump the children from our nest at an earlier age. Parents should not overestimate their child’s capacity to make appropriate decisions. Children perhaps don’t have the wisdom and experience to handle adult situations. All children mature and manage as an adult. We do not need to rush this process any more than we need to hurry our children to walk, talk, or toilet train. We should never look at child-raising as a competition. Our children are unique and mature and grow at different rates. They require the freedom to be themselves. If we hustle our children, they will be more apt to make mistakes and possibly suffer from these choices. Promoting responsibilities when children are younger will benefit their training for more difficult situations as they grow older.

Tasks for children might include small jobs like cleaning or setting the table, feeding the dog or cat, emptying the bucket, taking out the trash, putting away toys, and picking up clothes. Getting ready for bed on time is training in accountability. Brushing their teeth and bathing regularly is also acting dutifully. Being obligated to do homework is another decent assignment.

As children thrive in these endeavors, we will be increasing their conscientiousness. We will also be alleviating the stress on ourselves to accomplish these tasks without a struggle. There is a difference between treating children as inferiors and simply respecting the differences in their ages. At twelve a child might be able to make certain choices for themselves. At twelve they should not be making all decisions for themselves.

Many parents value independence so much that we sometimes allow our children to make selections that should be made by the parents. If our child prefers friends that we believe are bad influences on our child then we have a duty to step in and restrict our child’s options. It is not like saying, “I will pick your friend.” It is saying, “I have a boundary to guide you.” We are giving them some alternatives and choices, but with our supervision.

Parents likely say, “But it is their choice to choose their friend and I should respect that.” My answer is, would you allow your three year-old to play on the street with their riding toy because they choose to ride there where it is a smooth surface? Would you explain to them why they need to stay on the sidewalk or grass? It is truly valuable to counsel your child in a supporting way towards worthy friendships. As they mature they will learn the value of your counseling.

We sometimes forget our children are not yet prepared to formulate all of the outcomes. It will happen in time, but we need to direct them regardless of their reactions or rebellions. We are not their friend, but their instructor. We are failing at our job when we don’t step in and coach our child in the way they should go. Never underestimate the external influences our children are subjected to on a daily basis. Reduce what bad affects you can control.

Teens are influenced by others who appear cool and aggressive. If we believe they are coerced in any way or bullied then we need to correct this problem. Our teens may want us to step in but cannot say it for fear of appearing immature. This is the point where we talk to our child explaining what constitutes a good friend. We discuss and clarify why we intervened.

With our assistance, our child will deliberate and comprehend. Being prepared for negative responses from our children is a must. They may not always like our choices but it is their welfare we need to be concerned with. We are parents, not buddies. At times, understanding may not happen immediately. Even if our child is angry with us for disputing their decision, we must stand firm. We have the larger picture at the moment. We should always err on keeping our child safe.

Insight will probably manifest in time. Once in a while it’s necessary to accept the long-term goal. After our children mature and are making all of their own choices, our past counseling in these matters will help them to improve their evaluations. Being overly protective is better than being overly permissive.

As critical as it is to assist our children in decision making, it is equally imperative to respect their contribution, even if it diverges with our concepts. We don’t want our child to be discouraged in their analysis, which is essential.

To become an adult who reasons and reflects, they need to acquire the power of generating alternatives. Parents don’t want to demean their child’s innocent beginnings of emergent adulthood. We want to encourage their thoughts and input. It allows for moments of discourse and instruction.

Don’t diminish the thin candle which is shedding some light. If we extinguish it completely, there will be no light shed, just as there will be no response given from our child if we shut them down. If we allow them some semblance of involvement, one day it will result in their making reflective assessments. When children are permitted choices they gain some feeling of participation. This keeps their discouragement at bay.

Allowing children to have choices empowers them and enables them to feel involved and respected. It also makes it easier for a parent to maintain control by alleviating a child’s anger at not having total authority.

When possible, we should give children simple options such as an extra fifteen minutes at bedtime if they clean their room. It is their decision. They might get dessert if they finish their dinner. If a child doesn’t finish dinner, that is okay, but they don’t get dessert. We might set some guidelines and consequences for daily functioning. If a child chooses to break a rule there is a simple consequence. Allowing our child to understand they chose the consequence when they broke the rule establishes their ownership of the responsibility and accountability.

This takes the blame away from the parents and places it solely on the child’s shoulders. Children or young teens will learn to obey the rules out of awareness rather than out of fear.

Children often hurt other children. We need to refrain from causing any injury to our child when they are guilty of this wrongdoing or any misconduct. If in our anger we lash out at the offending child, we defeat the lesson we are trying to teach.

Gentleness and kindness towards others must be demonstrated at all times. We as parents need to develop the behavior we want to see in our children. If we model anger we promote rage in our child’s actions.

Temper is the conduct we are trying to erase. If we hit the child we are basically saying striking is okay in certain circumstances. This is not the case. We must patiently take the time to demonstrate to the child the value of compassion and tenderness.

There should be set consequences when a child misbehaves. If the child punches, slaps, or pushes another then he or she might lose certain privileges. These privileges perhaps might be to suffer the loss of a certain toy for a specified period of time.

A child might lose a play date with a friend. They might be denied access to the television or computer or games for a set period of time. An older child might lose the permission to go out with friends on a Friday night or lose the use of the car. We cannot under any circumstances cave. All is lost when we do.

By experiencing repayment for poor behavior, we are teaching the child the skill of developing value for others in a fair society. It becomes a decent society because the importance of righteousness is stressed and admired.

When children are older they should possibly make restitution to others for any damage they have caused. This might be through monetary means, such as an allowance. It is also possible for children to do odd jobs for parents or other family members until they have acquired the money to pay for any destruction that has resulted from their misconduct. If they write on walls or school buildings they should clean the walls or buildings. It can really be that simple.

This compensation to others, in my opinion, should be incorporated in the school systems. If a child damages school property they should be held liable. We are giving our children an incredibly worthy gift when we teach these priceless lessons. It makes no difference if one is rich or poor. The morals are the same.  It is imperative to keep a close watch on our teens. Drinking and drug abuse are serious problems. I have always cringed when an educated and supposedly responsible adult mentions that it is expected that their children will drink in college. I am of the philosophy that my children attend college to gain knowledge. If we as parents expect they will spend a good portion of their time drinking at college, then they will fulfill our expectations. Shouldn’t we require more from them?

It is not acceptable or expected to assume drinking should or does begin in high school. We can and should monitor where our teens go and who they are with. There are so many problems which can stem from over-drinking, including death and jail. One night of poor judgment can alter our child’s life dramatically.

Although many teens begin drinking in high school or an earlier grade, it should not be tolerated. Parents must work to alleviate this situation. We can’t be lax or overlook what is seriously detrimental to our children. If we have been down that road ourselves, we should understand the importance of curbing our child’s damaging path. We do have the power. Our children are not grown. We have the right to say no to our teens as much as we had the right to say it when they were toddlers. Especially when they are confused, it behooves us to guide them.

I earnestly question why any adult believes drinking is a rite of passage. It clouds our judgment and leads to poor choices. It might also lead to dependency. Our child’s future options possibly will be seriously limited because of drinking and or drugs. We are not ready to sign our names to such a contract. We must be willing to stand up and speak up and be willing to state our position with conviction. This might just save our children from a lifetime of heartache.

I would venture to say that when we do not attend to our child’s poor actions, we should be held accountable. Our children will grieve the consequences of their poor choices. At times, the most solicitous parents are not able to stop children from poor selections. It is still worth the time and effort for us to keep trying. We are their parents and their last defense. If we give up, there is nobody left to stand with them.

Attempt to control a situation before it becomes serious. When our children are grown and have moved on it will perhaps be too late to correct our oversight of failing to guide them properly. Our children might then be at the mercy of laws which will bestow no forgiveness. Our children will likely shed no compassion on us. We will harvest just what we have sown.

When children act inappropriately on school buses they should be kicked off of the bus for a period of time. If parents have no other way to get their children to school they need to make the effort to rectify their child’s offense. Everyone would be forewarned that if it happened again, regardless of the parent or child’s plight, immediate expulsion from the bus would be adhered.

These consequences probably would ensure that parents do their job. We would alter our blundering child’s conduct. Parental involvement would be either through responsible action of parents or through dependable action by the school. Either way the bus problem would be fixed. The children who abided by the rules on the bus would not have to suffer and be at the mercy of a few erroneous students. I believe if we are lax and complacent in our duties, our children will continue to misbehave. If I as a parent do my job and rear my children to be accountable, I should expect others to do the same.

At the very least, the few who misbehave should not infringe on my constitutional rights or my children’s human rights. Nobody likes to be bullied.

If we choose to ignore ill behavior, then misbehaving children will continue to choose the incorrect action. If we begin the art of conversing with our children at an early age, it will be easier for them to discuss matters with us as they mature. Open communication with our children must be a goal for all parents.

Vignette 15 from Tumbleweed Kids

“Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”
Oscar Wilde

Diana was outgoing, friendly, and had a wide, quick smile. As rapidly as she embraced you with her grin, she could just as hastily lash out at you with her temper.

She was sensitive and thoughtful, but cutting and sarcastic when angry with someone. Diana was probably still one of the memorable students to cross one teacher’s path.

One day when trying to explain the vocabulary word “errand,” the teacher mentioned it was when one had to go to a drug store for medicine. Diana didn’t even wait for the teacher to finish but quickly grabbed at the words and said her dad went their every night for his medicine. She was smirking and her eyes were brilliant and dancing. Three other children laughed. The teacher quickly changed the subject after explaining the answer.

A serious tone prevailed but the teacher broached the subject again and explained the meaning of a drug store. She was met with blank, serious stares. The mood had quickly changed and the conversation ended. The teacher felt saddened for the disruption of the lesson. Although she felt worse to comprehend the knowledge her young students had of things they should not ever have to deal with. It was a short while later that Diana was moving with her mother to another apartment. Her dad was not allowed to see her again. Diana was not too bothered about the whole situation. She spontaneously called her father stupid. Nothing appeared to change. The teacher wondered if Diana was just blocking it out of her memory or if she had become so jaded that she just didn’t care one way or the other if she ever saw her father again.

Appearing very sad one day the teacher questioned Diana’s mood. “I’m not going to see my brother anymore,” she stated. “Why?” questioned the teacher. “He’s not my real brother but the son of my dad’s second wife. My dad and his wife are getting divorced and my brother won’t see me anymore because he’s not my dad’s son,” stated Diana. It took the teacher a minute to compute the information. “I’m so sorry,” said the teacher. “It is okay,” said Diana. “I just don’t understand why my dad can’t stay with one person,” she blurted out suddenly and then rushed to hang up her coat. The teacher’s thoughts were cluttered with questions. How do parents find the time to cheat on their spouses but not have the time to spend a quiet moment reading to their children?

We as adults must stop the attitude of justified rewards. Nobody owes us anything. It is our right to work and be respected. It is our responsibility to take care of our children. Most likely it is not the government’s responsibility to raise our children any more than it is our neighbor’s responsibility to do it. Conceivably this is another reason why we should contemplate before beginning another family with another spouse. If we can’t take care of the family we currently have how will having more children make it easier?

We can’t expect others to be required to fund our past and present families. We should ask ourselves, “Can my time be put to better use other than cheating and then possibly creating more mouths to feed? Are we concerned and capable of feeding more children? Do we have the time and energy?”

If we can arrive at the conclusion that the accountabilities are our own, we perhaps might place more effort into what is our own task. Instead of feeling overwhelmed we might be on to something worthwhile. Maybe we will come to see the whole truth of the matter. It perhaps will allow us to make sound decisions based on reflection and concern for others. Life must be lived like a chess game is played. One needs to see the end results of the many possible choices. Choosing the correct move keeps the king and queen safe.

The significance of parental involvement within families is, in my opinion, greatly underestimated. By guiding our children we acknowledge their needs and their worth. When we ignore our children and treat them like disposable items, we are in essence selfish, immature, and a blemish on society. Children need to take top priority. If we chose to have a child we selected a lifetime vow.

No one should be able to simply walk away or renege on this obligation. There ought to be consequences. Lives are at stake. Our children’s lives are at risk. Some of us dump the duties onto the stepparent, with a million excuses attached. We think our liabilities are so easily transferred to other people or to the government. It appears that parents need some tough love dumped on us. Diana was angry but she never cried. She lived with her mother and was responsible for three younger siblings. She was a child but didn’t have a childhood.