My Period of Grace

By on June 14, 2012

~ sunrise at Thistle Cove Farm ~

My period of Grace was this month, this May. Sort of. Most of May has been spent enjoying the farm, the animals; re-arranging portions of the house, doing farm chores and, simply, living. Blogging has taken a back seat for no particular reason other than my brain needed a rest. A time of Grace. This time of grace has been needed from the awfulness of Dave’s death and that same grace has been so healing and so restorative. March was such a struggle to stay alive, to keep my feet on the straight and narrow path, to keep breathing because the animals needed me. Dear God, it would have been SO much easier to stop but You, Bless Your name forever, didn’t let me. Thank You, God.

I think.

April is a fog; trying to pretend life was normal; not a new normal just some kind of normal. I remembered to eat…mostly; I remembered to shower…mostly. I remembered a lot, all the time.

~ Gypsy Rose Lee ~

Some have written to say, “don’t you think it’s time to move on?” Well, what do you think I’ve been doing on a daily basis? Same as you all, I’m moving on except in my own way, in my own time. I’m moving on without Dave and it stinks. I hate it, I rebel against it. I despise and loath it yet I. am. moving. on. Mostly, the best way I know how…prayer, Bible reading and getting out of bed every day, putting one foot in front of the other every day.

What’s your purpose in life? What is it you want people to say about you? What legacy do you want to leave behind? How are you establishing it all? What do you do and when do you do it to establish your purpose, your legacy? Questions I’m struggling with, daily, and still haven’t any answer. Being a Christian doesn’t mean answers are easier nor are they readily apparent, but it means, to me at least, the questions are all that more difficult, life all that more real and eternity always ahead. Smoking or non-smoking? -smile-

~ not weeds, flowers ~

Some friends struggle with auto-immune illnesses and some friends struggle with more than one such disease. Other friends have cancer, depression or other illnesses and that always means a greater struggle. People are hurting – their health, finances, relationships and the weight of being daily is almost overwhelming. It’s a burden, heavy to carry, sometimes impossible to comprehend and I am, constantly, throwing it all up to God because He tells me He is able…and I believe and trust Him.

How do you handle life? Where do you get your comfort, your peace, your grace for the journey? To whom, or what, do you turn?

My daily five chapters of Bible reading are in Ezekiel and I find myself wading through, up to my ears in, “Dear Lord, will those Israelites EVER learn?” Then, the small whisper comes to me…”Dear Sandra, will you?”

~ moving on ~

Lord, I’m struggling to learn, to understand what it is you want me to do, what it is you want of me. Right now, I can only suss out you want me to do what I’m doing…read my Bible every day, pray…dear God, the sheer NEED!..do my chores, keep the house clean, help my small community. Live, Daily. Keep my focus on Christ and not on the news; the awfulness of what the media keeps cramming down our throats. The November election.

Are you familiar with Ann Kiemel? She’s written many books and one, I Said Yes To God, changed my religion into relationship. Before that book I was happy in my ignorant bliss of skipping through life. Yet, if I knew then what I know now, I would still change my religion into relationship. It’s made that much of a difference to me and in my life. Yes, it’s been worth it all and one day I’ll see Jesus. It, all of it, has been worth it all.

One last word…people tell me, “you’re so strong, you’ll get through this.” Psssst…it’s not true. I am not strong; not in the least. I am so weak and have cried and wept more since Dave died than in my entire life! The secret is…God is strong. God is able. God cares and He carries me, sustains me, delivers me, keeps my fears at bay, gives me wisdom, loves me even when I’m most unlovable. God gives me grace for the journey and that is what makes the journey bearable. That and knowing…one day I’ll see Jesus.

 

Originally posted on Thistle Cove Farm.

About Thistle Cove Farm

After more than four decades, Sandra Bennett's dream of living on a farm came true, and now lives her dream at Thistle Cove Farm. She writes, photographs, and plans her next travel adventure while teaching workshops in Increasing Small Business and Farm Income; Networking and Partnering and Fleece Management. She's taught at University and in Russia, Armenia, Georgia and at different fiber festivals in the eastern USA. Dave, her beloved husband, passed away in 2011 so now Sandra is learning financial management. Please visit Thistle Cove Farm , her lifestyle blog: http://thistlecovefarm.blogspot.com/, and Wife to Widow blog: http://www.1wifetowidow.blogspot.com/ where she helps you be “proactive, not reactive."

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My Period of Grace