Love—Just in Time

My husband of 23 years announced he was leaving. And he did.

I tumbled down, down
shock
shattered dreams
heart-break
fear.

In the ensuing months, snippets of his actions leaked to me from one of our teenagers or someone in the rumor-mill who relished being in the know. And now, today, he is to marry someone else. I rose, dressed, and drove to the Newport Beach high rise where I worked, circled up to the parking garage’s top floor, and turned off the car. In the quiet, locked-in privacy of
this cathedral-on-wheels, I wept and prayed.

This was not what I wanted for my life. Anything but this, God. Why couldn’t I just get cancer and die, and he would be rid of me that way? Everybody would say nice things at my funeral and then he could go on without all the scandal and hurt to me and our children.

Certainly, that would be better, God, wouldn’t it? I mentally shook my fist at God, lambasting Him over what He allowed to happen. HOW COULD HE? I felt betrayed by both my husband and my Creator. My accusations only added to my pain. More tears flowed. 

Finally, surrender: God, I don’t understand this and I’m heart-broken, but…I’ll trust you, I sputtered. I gathered my purse and lunch box and picked up my Bible from the passenger side floor. As a last-ditch effort to connect with some kind of comfort, I opened the scriptures to the next marked place and read:

For your Maker is your husband—
The Lord Almighty is his name—
The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
He is called the God of all the earth.
– Isaiah 54:5,6 (NIV)

God. Spoke.
The words shot into my heart like a bullet of all-encompassing love—higher and deeper than any other reality. Now you belong to Me alone. I’ve got you. -God

I embraced God’s offer of Himself. In that instant, new neural pathways—confidence and security from experiencing love—began to sprout in my brain. Confidence caused me to question the world around me: Is that true? Would Jesus agree? Are the beliefs and practices of the church I grew up in best? Is something new trying to be born specifically for this generation? How do I need to change? Security helped me view myself and others more realistically. People hurt me, for sure. However, with tenderness and just the right touch, God showed me times my words and actions hurt others.

I discovered grace. Then came a new or, I should say, renewed me. Memories of my teenage dreams reappeared. What I loved. Hated. Cared about the most. A sense of having a God-given purpose, long dormant, awoke in me. One day, browsing in the library, I encountered the catalog of a University close by. A vision of me guiding adults as they attempted to navigate the storms of modern life appeared. I was familiar with heart-break, chaos, and fear. With some preparation and additional skills, I could help others get through. Come out even better. I emailed Admissions. My new life began that day in my car on the garage’s top floor. A message from my Maker letting me know He was there for me.

I will never forget.

Gloria Rose writes and teaches on calling and creativity. Her website is http://www.gloriarose.com