Does Your Husband Know You Are For Him?

Husbands are fragile people.

We have sensitive egos.

We may come across as strong and indifferent, but that’s just presentation.

We’re actually quite needy.

I wonder if wives know this.

Do you know this?

I wonder if wives are aware how much their husbands need them.

Read on.

I’m going to break the code of men and reveal the secret handshake. God did say He was going to make a woman for the man because it was not good for the man to be alone (Genesis 2:18).

There is a definite implication about the neediness of the man in the statement “it’s not good for him to be alone.” Many husbands are too proud or too stubborn to admit their need. Such husbands have bought into the cultural lie of self-reliance and machismo.

Regardless, the loneliness of being alone is painful. Companionship is a big reason men get married. Men are needy. Your husband is not as independent and self-reliant as he may want you or others to think. If he can get over himself and this macho image thing he is wrapped up in, he will tell you how much he needs you–how much he desires your affection.

Husbands can be burly, gruff, and a bit unkempt, but that is a facade. Within that rough canvas exterior is a little boy who wants attention and assurances of affection. He wants to be cared for–he wants to know you are for him.

• Are you?
• Are you for your husband?
• Do you respect him?
• Do you like him?
• Does he know you like him?
• Does he feel your affection and appreciation on a regular basis?

God is for us

Are you for your husband? This is one of the many ways you can show your love for your husband. It is one of the many ways you can model the Gospel in your marriage. As an imitator of God, you should be for your husband (Ephesians 5:1).

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? – Romans 8:31 (ESV)

God is for you. Think just a moment about how God is for you and how that makes you feel. This is what I am talking about. You should be to your husband similarly to what your heavenly Father is to you–He is for you.

Before Paul gives us that great sentence in Romans 8:31 about God being for us, he tells us how God is for us (Romans 8:29-30). He is not just making a random statement about God’s affection for us, but he is backing it up with practical facts about God’s great love for His children.

For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. – Romans 8:29-30 (ESV)

We are not left to wonder about God’s for-ness regarding us. We are assured, based on His work in our lives. Note why we feel so good about God being on our side: He foreknew us, predestined us, called us, justified us, and glorified us. God was at work, proving His love for us.

And then Paul asked this rhetorical question, “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31) Nobody can be against us. We can’t say anything negative about God because of God’s activity in our lives. This was Paul’s point.

When we think about what God has done for us, we can only conclude with Paul that there is no doubt God is for us. What Paul is trying to do is encourage us in the Gospel. He is also trying to build up our God-centered confidence. Any person will be built up when they know they are loved.

Regular reminders of love

You remember the context in which this letter was written? The Christians in Rome were being killed. They were being slaughtered. It was a time of personal discouragement and defeat. The culture had turned against them and Paul wanted them to know God was there.

No matter what their struggles were, God was for them. He was bringing them back to the clarity of the Gospel. This is a huge message. It is a reassuring message.

It’s a message we need to hear on a daily basis–God is for you. Because of the severity of their problems, Paul does not let up on his Gospel inspiring message. He practically drives it home.

Not only does he remind them of what God did (vs. 29-30) and brings them to the point where they clearly see God’s activity in their lives (vs. 31), but he doubles back around to remind them of God’s work for them all over again.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? – Romans 8:32 (ESV)

Speaking about God’s love for us only once was not enough for Paul. He repeats himself, only using different words to say the same message. Per chance they did not understand the depths of foreknowledge, predestination, calling, justification, and glorification, he clearly lifts up the crucified Savior (vs. 32) to remind them that God cares for them.

This is a reassuring message for anyone who is struggling. Most definitely it is something we can practically model in our everyday lives. Not only can we remind each other of God’s triumphant love, because of the Gospel, but we can be specific in how we love each other too.

Doing unto others

This is my appeal to you dear wife: are you clearly communicating your affection to your husband the way God was clearly communicating His affection to the Christians in Rome? How is the Gospel affecting your heart, to the point that you are practically living it out for your husband?^[1]

So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them. – Matthew 7:12 (ESV)

The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these. – Mark 12:31 (ESV)

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. – Luke 6:31 (ESV)

Every person wants to be loved, whether they admit it or not. Paul knew this. That is why he went to great lengths to remind these persecuted Christians about the Gospel. He wanted them to know that no matter what came upon them, God was with them.

Baby I need your lovin’
Baby I need your lovin’

Although you’re never near
Your voice I often hear
Another day, another night
I long to hold you tight
‘Cause I’m so lonely

Baby, I need your lovin’
I got to have all your lovin’
Baby, I need your lovin’
Got to have all your lovin’

Some say it’s a sign of weakness
For a man to beg
Then weak I’d rather be
If it means havin’ you to keep
‘Cause lately I’ve been losin’ sleep

Baby, I need your lovin’
I got to have all your lovin’
Baby, I need your lovin’
Got to have all your lovin’^[2]

This is an incredible message every wife should be communicating to her husband. Whether he admits his desire for your affection or not, he wants it and if he does not get it, you could tempt him to find it elsewhere.

While it is the husband’s fault if he seeks love and affection from his job, hobbies, or another woman, his wife does not need to complicate matters by withholding her affection from him.

Practically loving your man

God would never think this way about you. Though your heart is prone to wander, He is always on the job, loving you–even when you are not deserving His love (Romans 5:8). This is amazing love. Are you an amazing and loving wife.

Nothing will test a woman in the practical out-working of the Gospel than a wife who loves her man, especially when he is undeserving of that love. I mean, when he is acting like a jerk.

How are you practically loving your man? Does he know you are for him? Is he resting in the full assurance of your affection for him? I’m going to be honest with you: when I am fully assured God loves me and my wife loves me too, I feel like I can take on the world.

It is not good for me to be alone, whether it is from God or my wife. While I have a responsibility toward both of them, they have a responsibility toward me–God as my heavenly Father and Lucia as my affectionate helper.

While a wife could say she is for her husband, it would be good to practically examine what that looks like on a daily basis. Remember what Paul did for the Christians in Rome? He left nothing to mystery. He wanted them to know some specific ways God was for them.

He reminded them of God’s foreknowledge, predestination, calling, justification, and glorification. He told them to think about the depths of God’s affection for them.

If God would not spare His own Son, how much more would He give them all things. But He would not stop there. He went on a doxological rant until he nearly ran out of breath, building to a Gospel crescendo:

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:33-39 (ESV)

Does your husband have this kind of confidence in your affection for him? Have you been so affected by the Gospel that you’re pouring it out on the person God gave you until death causes you guys to part?

The two greatest things that could ever happen to a man is to live in the overflowing awareness of God’s pleasure and to experience his wife’s undeniable affection. One of the most practical ways a wife could live out the Gospel is to practically give it out to her husband.

20 questions to make the Gospel come alive in your marriage

Paul gives us a way to think about God’s love for us. He does not just say, “God loves you,” but he proves it–he shows us. With that in mind, here are some thoughts that will aid you as you think about the Gospel and its practical out-workings toward your husband.

1. Are you aware of the power you have over your husband?
2. Do you love your husband?
3. Do you respect your husband?
4. Are you quick, ready, and willing to forgive your husband?
5. Are you quick, ready, and willing to ask him to forgive you?
6. Do you defer to him, which is one way you can help him to be a better leader?
7. What is your first thought when you think about your husband? Is it a synonym of love?
8. Would you be characterized as a nag or an encourager? (This question is talking about your regular patterns, not any one episode. We all have episodes of sin.)
9. Do you talk negatively about him to others? Is he aware of this?
10. How would other people describe your attitude and affection for your husband?
11. Will you ask them–those people who will tell you the truth?
12. Are you actively loving him, even though he does not deserve your love all the time?
13. Do you wait to love him after he changes, after he meets your preferences and expectations? (Think Gospel here: How does God treat you? Does He love you after you change or does He love you even when you’re not changing?)
14. Do you punish your husband when he does not meet your expectations? If so, how do you do it? Anger? Silent treatment? Withhold sex?
15. How are you humbly leading your husband by your Gospel-motivated example? (I’m talking about leading him from behind, not from the front.)
16. Has your behavior assisted in pushing your husband toward other people or things? If so, how so?
17. Will you write out the answers to these questions and begin making a plan for repentance, if you need to repent of anything?
18. Will you begin thanking God if He has brought sinful attitudes and behaviors to light?
19. Will you talk to your husband about these things?
20. Will you ask your husband if he is assured you are for him and then ask him to give you specific examples for why he answered the way he did?

Originally posted on Counseling Solutions.