Excerpt From: Words That Wound During Divorce

By Laura Petherbridge –

Imagine someone you love has recently had open-heart surgery. Would you walk into his or her hospital room and give them a hearty punch in the chest? No, probably not. But that’s exactly what many people do with someone who’s having emotional open-heart surgery. During a divorce the hurtful words and actions inflicted by other people often cause more heartache than the divorce itself.

As kids we shouted, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me”. It’s a lie. Words do injure and penetrate the most vulnerable part of who we are. Unfortunately these painful comments are stubbornly infused into our memory. Our brain doesn’t purge these toxic thoughts just because they are harmful. Instead a fast and easy recall allows us to re-live the blow to our fragile sense of self-worth time—and—time again.

fall scents for your home

Why do people say and do hurtful things at inappropriate times? There are a variety of reasons,  a few include: ignorance, an unawareness of what they are saying, a lack of training, a need to ramble because silence feels awkward, a tongue that moves faster than the brain, foolishness, a desire to preach, a fear of suffering the same pain, guilt, selfishness, an inclination to hurt others, stupidity, and revenge.

We all have said something that we wish we could take back, especially if it’s a situation that we have never experienced. But even if years have passed it’s never too late to return to the person and say, “I was a fool to make such a hasty comment, please forgive me. I’ve never lived what you are going through, and I don’t know your pain. I had no right to say those things to you. I’m very sorry.”

Even though I have been involved with divorce recovery ministry for over 20 years, I’m still flabbergasted by some of outlandish and insulting things people, including family members, say and do to those who are divorcing.

“My husband has been living a double life with another woman for over one year,” Staci shared. “I found bank accounts and other legal documents in both of their names. My mother keeps saying that if I had been a better wife, housekeeper and cook he wouldn’t have left. Her words are haunting me, what could I have done to keep him?”

Isn’t it sad that one of the most significant people in this woman’s life, her mother, is pouring bleach into her wound instead of providing a source of comfort? She doesn’t appear to understand the trauma her daughter is experiencing.

The truth is Staci’s husband has gone to extensive effort to create a deceptive life. The intense spiritual and emotional issues that cause a person to behave in this manner could not have been prevented with a cleaner toilet or better spaghetti sauce. He needs professional help.

If this mother continues to speak to her daughter in this hurtful manner, setting a firm boundary with mom will be necessary. The best solution is to say, “Mom, those comments upset me. I need you to stop talking badly about my role as a wife because it causes me significant pain. If you wish to continue with these hurtful words then you leave me no choice but to limit the amount of time I spend with you.”

If mom (or any offending person) refuses to change and persists in these comments, then the daughter has no choice but to stop visiting her. And she shouldn’t feel guilty! This mother is insensitive and choosing to pierce her daughter’s injured heart with toxic words. The comments are unacceptable.

Then it is wise for someone in Staci’s situation to surround herself with Godly, praying women who understand her pain. She needs encouragement, comfort and a “soft place to fall” during this complicated and agonizing situation.

 

Copyright © 2011 Laura Petherbridge. All rights reserved

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker. This article is an excerpt from her book, “When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce.” She is a featured expert on the DivorceCare DVD series which has been implemented in more than 12, 000 churches. Laura’s website is www.TheSmartStepmom.com

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Excerpt From: Words That Wound During Divorce
Scroll to Top