Defining Success on Your Own Terms

By Kathy Brunner –

Recently Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook was on the cover of Time Magazine. Sheryl gave Norah O’Donnell her first interview at CBS news and talked about her new book, Lean In and how women often sabotage their own rise to the top.

While Sheryl has some interesting ideas about what type of choices women who want to further their careers need to make, she has sparked much criticism among many working mothers. She makes sense while she makes enemies and one of those who felt the frustration at what she had to give up involving her own career versus family was Penelope Trunk, the founder of Brazen Careerist, a career management tool for “next generation professionals”. Trunk, pondering her own inability to “have it all” finds the photo of Sheryl Sandberg on Time almost painful.

The world might never be done defining success as money, fame, luxuries and the corner suite and Ms. Sandberg and Ms. Trunk will need a few more years under their belts to realize a success beyond a magazine cover or running a company. The older one gets the clearer the meaning of success becomes.

When I was asked to write a column about success, I realized the very definition of success is much like the definition of happiness; unique for every individual. I also realized success is much more emotional than concrete. What can look like success one day can pale in comparison to a different type of accomplishment the next. Ask any breast cancer survivor or any single parent trying to stretch a paycheck the definition of success.

My mother never graduated from high school. She worked way long before the term, “working women” was murmured. Yet, she loved my father, raised three successful children and refused to give up her independence until months before she passed away at 89. Although she may have been oblivious to her success, I saw her as most definitely successful and she was my heroine.

A good friend of mine who just turned 60, lost her husband at 45 with two young girls adopted from Korea by her side and little money to make life happen. She rolled up her sleeves, got the girls through their teenage years, continued a full time career and also did private guidance counseling to make life work. Hell yes, she is a picture of success although that picture has a lot more wrinkles and gray hair than it once did.

My grandmother arrived at Ellis Island, as a young girl who spoke no English and whose name actually was changed because the immigration officer did not understand what she was saying. She took a chance at a better life, despite all the obstacles she faced. She was brave and determined and she represented success long before people realized bravery and determination are two necessary components for anyone’s success.

I haven’t been on any best seller list, but I have written several books. I encourage and direct others towards making their passion, happen on a regular basis but I don’t believe Time magazine will be tracking me down for an exclusive any time soon. I take out my own trash and walk my own dogs and some days I consider that much a success. I am proud of what I have accomplished and yet know I have made mistakes and will continue to be a work in progress, yet I don’t look in the mirror and believe my success was diminished by my errors or failures. I believe I come from a long line of successful women who perhaps did not define success the way many younger women seem to.

I don’t know if I entirely agree with Sheryl Sandberg when she says women hold themselves back. Surely there are individuals who doubt themselves and set themselves up for failure, but I believe there are many, many, successful women who are pleased with their accomplishments and encouraged by their contributions. After all, one can be happy owning a private island in the Caribbean or just having a roof over their head another day and one can be successful as a COO at a major corporation or as a grandmother enjoying the company of her doting grandchildren.

Success is a perception. Your perception and my perception. What I know about real success can simply be summed up by saying, “If the person you see in the mirror is the person you want to be, you have succeeded in more ways than you might know.”

If today, you lost every possession and yet continued to have the respect, admiration and love of your family and friends, wouldn’t you still believed you had it all?

The Sheryl Sandberg’s and Penelope Trunk’s can sit and worry about what they have accomplished or they can learn from those older and wiser; someone will always be more successful…if you let them convince your perception they are.

What about you? Can you identify the amazingly successful women in your own line as well?

Kathy Brunner is the author of Finding Your Fire, a book for those looking to make their passions, happen. She is a speaker and workshop guru and hopes you will contact her and let her help your group find their fire. Visit her at http://kathybrunner.com and join the other trailblazers.