5 Things You and Your Spouse Can Do for a Happier Marriage

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By Anita A. Chlipala –

By the time I see couples in my office, some of them dislike each other, some wonder if they are better off divorced, and others wonder if their hurt and wounds can be healed. I like to ask them, “On your wedding day, did you think you would ever feel this way about your spouse?” They always reply, “No.”

As a marriage and family therapist, I wondered how this negativity could be prevented. What do couples need to know to have a long-lasting and passionate marriage? So I turned to a leading marital expert who has been studying what makes relationships work for over 35 years – Dr. John Gottman.

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The good news is there are many things couples can do to increase their chances of living happily ever after. Based on Gottman’s research and my experiences working with couples, the following is a list of 5 things you and your spouse can do to achieve a happy, stable and sexy marriage.

1. Keep your friendship alive.

Friendship is the foundation for a happy, long-lasting marriage. Friendship offers life-long intimacy for you and your spouse, a continued respect for each other and acceptance. True, deep, intimacy is knowing your partner. You have to be willing to be open. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author, wrote, “Through words we come to know the other person – and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy and connection with others. How relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice.”

In strong marriages, spouses know each other’s joys, major events, beliefs, goals and dreams. They connect daily to be aware of each other’s daily stresses, emotions, and fears. It is not just about taking time for your marriage, but prioritizing it. Your marriage needs the time and undivided attention to continue to nurture the friendship.

What to do: Prioritize your quality time and dedicate this time to learning more about each other. Continue to “date” and ask open-ended questions of each other. And don’t forget – have fun!

2. How you disagree is more important than the fact that you disagree.

The escalation of negativity in disagreements is a predictor of divorce. Gottman’s research identified 4 types of escalation that are particularly destructive to a relationship: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.

Criticism – Usually an overgeneralization and attacks one’s personality and character instead of a specific problem or behavior. For example, “You’re a lazy pig – you never help out around the house. You don’t care about me.”

What to do: Complain but do not criticize – focus on the specific behaviors, not your partner’s personality or character.

Contempt – Behind contempt is the intention to insult your partner or put them down while putting yourself on a higher plane. Contempt takes many forms, such as eye-rolling, ridicule, insults and name-calling. The bottom line of contempt is that it conveys disgust. For example, “You’re stupid. You should have known better.”

What to do: Focus on the things that you respect and appreciate about your partner, and accept that they will not always handle things the way you would (after all, you are not married to your clone).

Defensiveness – Escalates conflict and implies that your partner is at fault. For example, “If you didn’t X then I wouldn’t Y.” Defensiveness can take the forms of denying responsibility, matching blame for blame, reiterating your point without listening to your partner, etc.

What to do: Even if you do not agree with your spouse’s perspective, accept at least a part of the responsibility for the problem.

Stonewalling – Usually occurs when a partner – usually the male – is so overcome with emotion that they are left overwhelmed and flooded, and “tune out” of a conversation.

What to do: Pay attention to when you start to zone out and call a time-out to calm your emotions. Be sure to call a time-in to resume your conversation when you are no longer feeling overwhelmed.

3. Manage your emotions.

It is critical to be aware of your emotions, particularly when you are physiologically aroused, or in “fight-or-flight.” Your heart races, your blood flows more quickly through your body, your hands may get clammy or you break out in a sweat. You may start thinking, “Here we go again,” “She doesn’t get me,” or you are already planning your retort as your spouse is talking.

Frequently being in fight-or-flight was an indicator of relationships that deteriorated over time. Couples who are calm do better over time in their marriages. The happy couples are very gentle with each other when they bring up “hot topic” issues, but you cannot be gentle if you are in fight-or-flight mode.

In fact, when you are in fight-or-flight, you cannot listen well, your ability to understand your partner is reduced, you cannot process information very well, and you are not as creative – all essential in problem-solving.

What to do: Learn to monitor your emotions, your thoughts, and your behaviors as you and your spouse have disagreements. On a 1-10 scale, at what number do you “lose” it, whether it is “fighting” or “flighting”? Memorize your emotions, thoughts and behaviors at one number below. When you start nearing that number, take a time-out to calm down.

4. Maintain a 5:1 positive to negative ratio.

Gottman’s research also points to the importance of maintaining a positive to negative ratio of 5:1. Although there is negativity in every relationship, happy couples have more positivity than negativity. In order to accomplish this, not only do you nurture your friendship, but you must be intentional about creating a positive environment. Remember when you were dating your spouse? You overemphasized the positive qualities about each other, probably gave your partner the benefit of the doubt more often than not, and intentionally created opportunities for fun. Keep it going! Research supports that one negative interaction can wipe out the effects of anywhere from 5-20 positive interactions!

What to do: Practice focusing on the positive things about your spouse. For example, if your husband wants to go out for Poker night, instead of thinking, “He cares more about his friends than he does me,” think, “He needs to relieve some stress and have fun with his friends.”

5. Create a shared vision and meanings

According to research by Fran Dickson, couples who were happily married for 50 years had a common vision about how they dreamed their life together would be. Gottman also found that happy couples support each other’s dreams and have a purpose for their lives together.

What to do: Have a conversation: What is your vision for your life with your spouse? What is your spouse’s vision? Discuss ways that you can concretely put your vision into action.

 

Anita A. Chlipala is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in individual & couples therapy. Anita is the Founder of Relationship Reality 312, Inc., specifically designed to provide results- and research-based relationship information and skills to singles and couples in all stages of dating and marriage. You can find her at: RelationshipReality312.com.

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5 Things You and Your Spouse Can Do for a Happier Marriage
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