Balancing Act: When the Grandkids Live With You

By Jesi Steiber—

“Do you want Nana to pick you up?” My words were in response to my granddaughter’s displeasure at her mother’s scolding. She was on the verge of throwing a fit. The whine in her voice slowly escalated and she scrunched her face, tears on the edge of her eyelids. The nod of her head, and the slightly dramatic look on her face pricked my heart strings. I reached over, picked her up and held her close. She held on tight, digging her little nose in to my shoulder. I suspect my daughter offered an eye roll as I walked away holding my sweet girl. It’s a Nana thing to do.

Or is it?

When my oldest granddaughter is on the verge of a meltdown, I don’t have the luxury of spoiling her and showing her attention she wouldn’t get elsewhere. I’m more inclined to reason with her, she is almost seven. For the most part, this works and we come to an agreement on what will occur next. Typically that agreement is, she makes a good choice and we stay happy. If she chooses to make a bad choice, happy is not one of the consequences. But giving in to her, spoiling her and giving her back to her parents is not an option. My responsibility outweighs my hearts desires in most cases.

As we walk through this season in our life, one area we pray for often is discernment. How do we know when we can act as a grandparent and when to act as a parent with these two grandchildren we help raise? If we let our emotions rule we’d have two very spoiled but unhappy children most of the time. The biggest challenge comes when the other grandchildren are around. We want and need to have a healthy grandparent relationship with our other grandchildren while still parenting the two we have in our home. We’ve found the following points help guide us in our quest for balance on our journey.

1. Parent when necessary, but grandparent when we can – We look for opportunities to grandparent (ie. spoil) our grandchildren when we can. We balance this with the fact they often come home to us. When the other grandchildren are around, we make an effort to include them in ways we wouldn’t normally at home. If we buy something for one, we buy for all. We also talk with them about how these events are special and not the general rule for our home.

2. Recognize the jealousy – There are times when our other grandchildren are around and a little jealousy shows up. While we are showing love and affection to those who don’t live with us, those who do can be possessive and jealous of the moment. In those times, we take a minute and remind the child of their importance to us. We remind them we don’t get to see the others as often, and while they get a lot of our attention and love from us the others don’t. We encourage them to share in this time and have fun with us. We remind them they are just as special and we can love all of them at the same time. We find encouragement is much more effective than discipline.

3. Discipline with love, not emotions – In any case, we do what we do because it is what’s best for the children. When we are functioning in the role of the parent we discipline because we love the children and the effort is focused on teaching them to be a happy and healthy child. We don’t cry over spilled milk, but we do cry when the child isn’t being obedient and picking up their toys when we ask. We are careful to do this with calm and consistency.

4. Be teachable – Let’s face it, none of us are perfect parents and in our case we struggled enough the first time around. We have learned to humble ourselves and ask questions of parents who are often younger than us on how they handle situations. In many cases the best advice I get is from my own daughter. But we also have gladly utilized professional help and continue to read and learn as the children grow in to new phases. Being teachable is parenting with an open heart and open ears.

In any case we do what we do with love and grace for our grandchildren. We communicate often with the parents of our other grandchildren to help alleviate any stresses or concerns they may have. And in all things, we pray. God’s leading us on this adventure and we pray often to hear His direction above all else.