I’m Too Young to Be This Old! Surviving and Thriving in the Muddled Middle Years

By Poppy Smith –

Chapter 1 – What’s Happening to Me?

“What are those things under my eyes?” I wailed, peering into the bathroom mirror.

“Festoons,” Jim, my doctor-husband, pronounced matter-of-factly. Holding his razor in mid-air like a baton, he continued, “That’s the medical term for those bags under your eyes. They happen to women your age.”

 “How sweet of you,” I muttered, stalking out and leaving him in his early morning humor. Waking up and finding bags under my eyes no longer shocks me. I’ve learned to live with it. I also take seriously a bit of advice from an aging movie star—sleep sitting upright or, failing that, on your back with at least two pillows. When I forget and sleep on my side, in the morning I discover that my face needs ironing.

Of course other clues tell me something is happing to me. But like most emotionally healthy women, I try to ignore them. I’m amazed at how grown up my children look. They’re clearly too old to be mine! Something is wrong with my friends as well—they seem to be aging prematurely. And even though my husband is ten years older than me, it scares me when he utters words like retirement and home all day.

Help! What’s going on?

Actually, I know what’s happening. I’m in the muddled middle years. I have joined the ranks of millions of forty- and fifty- something women who respond to aging by cunningly disguising gravity –prone figures and slathering on anti-wrinkle creams, enjoying a state of denial for as long as possible.

Recognize yourself here?

If you do, you are likely in what I call the reluctant passage, a season of life few women, if any, enter willingly.

When does this season begin? There’s no particular birthday that, when reached, uniformly plunges a woman into mid-life. We’re as individual as our DNA. Most of us, however, sense changes taking place any time from out late thirties to mid-forties.

Not long after I noticed these beginning signs, I frequently found myself deeply absorbed in thought, staring out of windows, or gazing at blank walls. Often I’d drive without noticing where I was going, brooding about my life. Had I made wise choices? Had I put God and my family first? Was I someone who could be useful in the years ahead? The answers depended largely on my mood.

In my mind I peered cautiously at what lay ahead, sensing the beginning of a long journey across a pivotal life-bridge. I couldn’t imagine myself or anyone else my age crossing this bridge with giant, eager strides. Instead, I imagined myself leaving youth’s familiar territory and cautiously moving forward in a step-by-step exploration of the unknown.

The forties and fifties are a major turning point in life, taking us from the old age of youth into the youth of old age. We can’t dig in our heels and say, “I’m not crossing over!” Nor can we detour around this part of the journey. We can, however choose what attitude we will have about it.

Cringing at the Thought

Most of us cringe at the thought of entering mid-life. At least I did. We laugh at “over the hill” and “mid-life” jokes, so long as they are aimed at someone else. But we bristle when anyone implies we might be in any sort of crisis.

As we set foot on the reluctant passage, we wonder if out marriage will hold together or if our children will stay in touch. Out-dated stereotypes like “menopause makes you crazy,” “life is over at forty,” and “dress to suit your age” (why don’t they just go ahead and say “dowdy?”) flash through our minds, causing fear and dread.

Thinking about the future can be fraught with questions: Will I be lonely? What about the dreams I still harbor—are they forever out of reach? Am I going to feel aimless—even useless? In the throes of these dark thoughts, aided by my bent for the dramatic, I began to visualize aging as a prelude to decay and dependence, ending in death. My overactive imagination left no room for God’s promise to never leave us—to never leave me.

After a time of wallowing in the midst of the blues, I decided to look at the truth. Although an increasing number of marriages break up on the rocks of mid-life, the majority stay together. Most children love their parents, despite occasional hot words to the contrary. They also keep in touch, though less often than we’d like.

Nor does life have to be lonely or aimless. By shedding outdated stereotypes of what you can and can’t do in mid-life and daring to act in your dreams, the years ahead can be the richest you’ve known. As for decay, dependence and death, the key to fulfilling years ahead lies in exchanging a mentality of doom and gloom for a spirit of hopefulness. Take care of your body, deepen your dependence on God, and don’t die before your actual date of decease.

Instead of cringing at the thought if being in the reluctant passage, boldly grasp your identity as a more mature, improved model of your younger self. True. the packaging is slightly wrinkled and maybe a bit lumpy, but what does that matter?

Well, let’s be truthful. For some of us, it matters a great deal.

Accepting a New Identity

Because of the age difference between my husband and me, I’ve lived a long time with the illusion of being prematurely young. When we went to parties or social events with people Jim’s age, I always felt like the young wife of the older man. Much as I wanted to hold on to my illusion, I’ve had to admit the truth. Being a “young wife” had become a figment of my imagination.

Letting go of my youthful identity and coming to grips with one less valued by our culture—“middle-aged wife”—didn’t happen quickly or easily. Watching the effect that slim, alluring, eyelashbatting women twenty years my junior had on men, though brought reality home. I realized few women my age could hope to have the same impact. Musing about growing older I began to wonder, Maybe building a sense of identity based on inner beauty would make aging easier to accept…

Mid-life transition takes time. Driving across a bridge from the United States into Canada is an instant transition from one county to another. Moving from one perception of self to another is a slow process. For a while our eyes keep straying to life’s rearview mirror. We are gripped by a sense of loss and a longing to go back in time.

With her fun personality and inspirational style, Poppy Smith motivates her listeners to thrive spiritually and personally. Poppy makes following God come alive through her practical, how-to presentations.  Born in England to a non-believing family, Poppy grew up there and in Sri Lanka, Singapore and Kenya. She met her American husband in Nairobi and they soon moved to the United States. The adjustment to her new marriage and new country, combined with loneliness and the loss of all that was familiar, brought Poppy to a defining moment with God. The resulting change, from anger to acceptance, from fighting God to seeking Him, led her into a life-long love of Scripture and the One it reveals. Her website: http://www.poppysmith.com/.