An Answer to Disappointment

Have you been experiencing repeated disappointments, results which don’t measure up to your efforts, or hope deferred for so long, it’s almost extinguished? Well, though I am the Queen of Cheer, today I’m not going to give you some Pollyanna platitude like, “Just keep believing God. It’ll turn around soon.” No, often without a major mindset shift, circumstances don’t turn around. Instead they usually get worse …

Why? Because most of the time, there is a lie within that was planted in childhood that, unwittingly, gets reinforced over the years leading to more frustration and eventually, a deep sense of futility. It will cause you to give up on your dreams, stay small, and settle for much, much less than what you were created for. Thus, the work of the enemy has been successfully dispatched.

Each of us has an Achilles heel. A vulnerable spot that stabbed enough times can kill our dreams, if not our bodies.

For me, I have had a life-long theme: I don’t deserve to have my dreams and desires fulfilled.I  am less than…. the root of which was uncovered for me not that long ago. Often, minor childish occurrences have a major lasting impact.

When I was in 6th grade, I desperately wanted to have a stage role in the play “Oklahoma!” that our chorus was putting on. Oh, how I wanted to be one of the dancers/singers.

My desire and belief were so strong, that I went home and told my mother that I had been chosen and I needed her to make me a skirt for the play. She seemed very pleased and happy to do this for me.

When I saw her happy face (which was an unusual thing for my mom), I was immediately struck with the fear… what if they don’t pick me!?

I thought about how disappointed she would be, and worse, that she would know I lied. In our home, crimes were punished severely. I grew terrified of being found out.

As that skirt took shape, my desire to be in that play grew even stronger. I could see myself up on that stage, twirling in layers of petticoats and toile. Though I would be one of many, I imagined myself a star.

As the days passed, it became clear that competition to be chosen was a lot stiffer than I thought. I became increasing nervous and focused. “I MUST be in that play!” dominated my mind.

Then the day of the announcement came.

Our teacher read off the names one by one and the slots they would fill. On the edge of my seat, I waited, listening intently for my name to be called. My eager body slumped into dismay as she concluded the reading.

I was not chosen.

My heart raced in panic as I thought of having to tell my mother that her hard work and satisfaction were for naught. I couldn’t bear the thought.

I knew what I had to do!

I sprang from my seat and anxiously approached the teacher. I tearfully told her that I had to be in the play because my mother had already made my skirt.

She didn’t say a word for what seemed like the longest time, just staring at my face, with a pathetic look in her eyes.

I knew I was manipulating her with self-pity and I didn’t care. I was going to pull out all stops to make this thing happen. My life was at stake! Eventually she said, “Let me think about it.”

Well, it wasn’t a “no.” I’ll take it.

Days, eons, it seemed, went by, and finally I got my answer… and it was yes.

I was elated!!

Yet, dulling the elation was this hint of guilt…. “You didn’t get this on your merits, you know … you got it because you manipulated her and lied to your mother.” Illegitimate gain is less than satisfactory.

What I did not know at that moment was, I became fertile soil for the enemy to plant his evil lie…. “You didn’t deserve it and they didn’t want you. They felt like they had to take you. Cheap shot, Maryann. You are not valuable enough to be picked on your merits. You are not good enough.”

Interesting, another lie had been planted earlier that year when I had been sexually abused by a trusted family member. The lie lodged in my heart that day was, “You don’t deserve to be protected and cared for. No one is there for you and you just got to figure this life out on your own.”

Not getting chosen initially for the play, combined with the more significant event (being abused), was the beginning of a long line of evidence that would be gathered and used to prove to me that I didn’t deserve my desires to be met and I was not worth much compared to everyone else.

Though there would be pinnacles of promotion in the flat line chart of my life that would occur at times, I would always do something to bring it back to “normal” so my inner theory that “I wasn’t worth much” could stay intact.

Did I do any of this consciously? Not at all. Though I had been a lover of success books and anything that could help me keep a positive attitude, I was not aware of this phenomenon.

Years later, as I devoted my life to the study of belief systems, mindset mastery, and how the enemy plays with all of this, I saw how I had bought the lie – hook, line, and sinker, and how much of my life had been set up to prove its validity.

I had had so many golden opportunities, positions people most people would die for, and yes, at first I marveled at each one. Could it be me to be the 2nd woman in the history of the state to be chosen as a prosecutor? Could it be me who was sent to Newport Beach, Ca to help set up an elite pilot operation … and get my own office with an ocean view? Could it be me who was selected to tour with a group of immensely successful entrepreneurs, a highly visible actor, and an award winning comedian? Could it be me who had speaking engagements just fall in her lap without the typical PR legwork?

But eventually, in each instance, something would happen where I disdained and discarded the opportunity, turning it into something undesirable in my mind, and not doing anything with it to increase my influence in the world for God’s glory or goodness.

People often talk about this level of wealth or lack that is set within us, much like a thermostat. Once it is set, if the air in the room gets colder or warmer than the setting, the heater or air conditioner will either shut off or turn on, all toward making sure the air in the room reflects the setting of the thermostat.

I believe it’s the same with how we perceive ourselves. If the world gives us more attention, accolades, or position or we earn more money than our subconscious thermostat believes we deserve, then it will set out to make the adjustments it needs to make in order to do its job well.

But thank the Lord…. He wants to reset our thermostats by renewing our minds to His truth of who we are, our value and worth, and the mega-influence He wants us to have for His glory and ours.

Teaching me about and immersing me in His favor has done just that. It has reset my thermostat. I no longer expect or accept unworthiness, insignificance, or that I don’t deserve much.

In fact, because I am now convinced that I am an heir to blessings, a favored, royal child of the Almighty, and He has a plan for me that is perfectly suited for my natural gifts and my personality, I refuse to settle for less.

He thinks I am a big deal. And so are you.

Whatever your Achilles heel, the lie that was lodged within you, your mind and heart can be reset. If you need help, let me know. That’s what I do.

Love,
Maryann

Originally posted on WorriersToWarriors.